Let's Meditate?

I was in the sauna last night after my work out. I usually try to “meditate” while I’m in there. What this means for me is that my brain keeps thinking thoughts and I try to fist bump them and imagine myself watching them float by in little bubbles. I then try to think about breathing which lasts for about a half a second before another thought appears out of nowhere. Sometimes it leads to me creating a mental grocery list, or a list of reasons why I am in fact a piece of shit, or tell myself to create a reminder on my phone to return my library book, or think about how I miss walking my son’s dog, or ponder why I still get acne at age 51.

Some days the thoughts are benign and harmless and light. Other days they are ominous and dark and heavy. Back when I first started meditating, I downloaded the Headspace app. It started out with a course for beginners. Each day I was guided through a short, guided meditation, that basically described what you were supposed to be trying to do during the meditation. The interface was kind of fun, where you would unlock the next day’s meditation and get a step further in the course. I remember being instructed to imagine sitting down, watching a train go by. As my thoughts arose during the meditation, it instructed me to imagine the thoughts being on a box car on the train. Just watch the box cars go by without passing judgement on the box cars. Watch them disappear out of view.

Last night in the sauna, I thought about how sometimes, some of those thoughts that arise need a little more tough love than just watching them roll down the tracks. I found myself imagining my thoughts in bouncy balls. Like those dodgeballs we all got smacked in the head with in PE. I’m grabbing the ball with that thought in it and drop kicking that fucker into outer space. Fuck that thought. Here comes another thought? Drop kick that fucker way past the moon. This feels satisfying. I feel lighter with a little more pep in my step and bounce in my pounce after that kind of meditation.

Lucky, or unluckily, for you, this substack app has added a video feature as well as a podcast for audio. So as a gift to you, my loyal readers, I will soon be creating a short and quick, down and dirty, bad-ass guided meditation, with my soothing voice guiding you to kick those mother fucking shitty ass thoughts right where the sun don’t shine. Stay tuned, in the meantime, Kumbafuckingya my friends.

* Post #41 of 104

* This is part of a one-year writing project. I write something and post it on Mondays and Thursdays. Some of it will suck. I'm doing it anyway.